Cold 

The feeling of your arms wrapped around me rots my mind to the core. Your rapid heart rate and the smell of your skin doesn’t seem to rub off. If only you knew how my heart longed to jump out and chase after you. To hit the open air and plead with you to see through my eyes.  

Escalators and crowds pacing through the airport never crossed my mind. The food smells and accents flying everywhere, weren’t acknowledged. The piggish guys staring as we kissed and tugged at each other in the airport. My stomach dropping at the sight of your hand pulling away. As if I had sailed into the sky and guided my body away from you. You weren’t the type to cry in front of others. Not the kind to say goodbye and not the person I once knew. 

I wish I could tell you all the things that mattered that day. Throw your arms over me and put our kiddo’s school shoes on one last time. Feel the warmth of your mums cuddle goodbye and look back to see your face one last time.

Now your crystal eyes are a distant memory and the ashes bury our smiling faces. Somewhere along our journey we went from a blessing to a bad habit. Our jokes and happy times sit with me like overcrowded people in a waiting room. Suffocating my reality and blocking the new memories from coming in. You never realized that your happines was mine and that mine seemed irrelevant to you. Now my demeanor is cold and the feelings of others dismissed in my heart. 

As the plane lifted off and your disappointed look left my mind, I started breathing again. Looking at myself with all new eyes and a new perspective. The weight of you and I, and all our issues diminished. My mind still aching with the promises I  once made you. The ‘I could and would never leave you, played through my mind, mocking me. And now your sweet voice, once so comforting to me vanishes as I puff  you away, one joint at a time. 

Run 

September 23,2016. Still in England.

I’m laying in my ex fiancée’s bed and the duvet feels incredible at the moment. I am unsure of what it was three days ago that made me snap, but I did. I didn’t yell and I didn’t scream, but I snapped. 

That morning she woke up coldly and crawled out of bed without a single glance my direction. I am not an overly clingy person nor do I like being touched by strangers. I’m happy alone at any moment of the day and for any period of time. And in any normal healthy relationship there should be time spent apart. None of those things were the problem. 

The problem was a deep emotional coldness that lingered in her chest. As she shuffled out quickly and ignored me, I couldn’t help but go frozen too. The feeling of wanting to run out overwhelmed me and I couldn’t contain the boiling over of everything. On the way to the shop I felt indifferent, as I always did since being here. The kid could sense the tension too and had a huge meltdown in the middle of the store. She walked off carelessly looking for her items and there I was with a melting 3 year old. When he calmed and I reached the check out line to hand him over, my nerves were shot and I wanted to explode. 

Parenthood was never in the plan for me, even though I love kids. I’m well aware of the financial and emotional impact they have on someone’s life. So in that moment I had gotten him to calm down and reassured myself too that he didn’t need the toy. Then before I could get it together, she walked over and grabbed the toy for him. 

That was the last straw for me, in that moment I realized it just wasn’t worth it. Did my best to calm down in the car and keep my mouth shut for the day. The sun was shining and everything was perfect, except us. 

Then the bickering began, and I wanted to jump out of the car. The rest of the day was a downward spiral of unfortunate events. Bits and pieces of us flying everywhere and soon everyone was over. Celebrating and talking, going on and on, and being ‘happy’. The weather was perfect that day but my heart was dead cold. Iced over by everything she was doing to me, little by little. 

The next two days happened in flashes and before I knew it my suitcase was packed. I felt good packing and it wasn’t much of an issue at all. Except her. She couldn’t leave me alone long enough to get my things. The panic in her eyes flashed as she drove me around in circles trying to keep me close. She thought she could recognize the person she once knew, but I was no longer her. 

Dear anyone

Dear anyone, 

It’s The 8th of April, and I’ve been in England now for three weeks and some days. The sun never shines, except on certain occasions and I long for them. I can’t be bothered to get off the carpet floor  because the radiator feels so nice on my feet. Since being here I have felt every feeling imaginable, but coldness is the most consistent. 

The bacon in this country is bigger and yummier. Laying here debating about what to have for breakfast is a task in its own. Since coming here I’ve made a complete fool of myself in every way. And now I hate myself for the way I treated the people from Mexico, back home in Texas. Feeling different than everyone around you is a task in its own. Then there’s adapting to the time change, food, weather and accents. But for me all of that has gotten easier every single day. The thing I struggle with most is the kitchen. 

The more time I spend in the kitchen the more I destroy things. Who knew light switches and ovens could be so hard to figure out? So far I’ve managed to defrost all the food in the freezer. Leave the “cooking” switch on the oven and the grill. BOOM!!!! Life is so different just across the ocean, and to think, I thought this would be easy. 

Flying high 

When I was ten years old, I stumbled upon a book written by a very old man. It was picked up by mistake then, but now I know that nothing in life is by mistake. The book was a written diary of the environment he shared with his wife of many years. 

He described their home as a big box with many tiny boxes inside of it. He described his wife’s attitude towards him as cold and composed. He went on and on about these boxes and how they were filled with distant memories. Memories they shared that were unforgivable and unmentionable. So there they stayed in the tiny boxes, surrounded by melancholy. 

The book seemed sad to me then, at ten years old and I couldn’t understand why anyone would be in that situation. Love to me, meant all those fuzzy and explosive feelings, ones I didn’t even fully understand yet. 

We spend our entire lives walking around with those same big boxes. And little by little we fill them with the little boxes. We stuff all of our hurt, faults, and insecurities deep down. So deep that we hope they never come out again. 

On the way to the airport, my fiancé of two weeks grabbed her own boarding pass out of our envelope and left mine. I panicked and freaked out not knowing why I hadn’t grabbed it myself. She is my fiancé isn’t she? So why wouldn’t she grab both of the boarding passes? We would soon be flying to England, and I’d never even been abroad. 

The urges to flee the airports would come in waves, and as we scrambled through finding our way, I wondered why I’d done this to myself. Because the girl that I had spent five months with on the phone was right in front of me. Then in an instant, the person I’d dreamt forever to have was suddenly like a stranger to me. We both wandered around like shells of people, an out of body experience, unexplainable. 

We then boarded the second and longest flight, where we weren’t sitting together. I was in tears most of the time and all of those tiny boxes started to appear. Haunting me like ghosts from the past and putting me in the most vile mood. Even she could tell, that I wanted to run, but something in me stopped me dead in my tracks. Love. I was a cold and overly emotional person all at once. Wanting to be embraced so badly, and at the same time wanting to be forever left alone.

But to love is to understand and accept a person for everything that they are. I lost all sight of what was important to me, and lost all grip with reality. A new kind of numbness over took me as the little boxes leaked everywhere.