Young love

It wasn’t her looks
or the sway in her walk
The gloss of her eyes
or the way she talked

Difficult to explain
wanting her
Would drive me insane

Her eyes in my direction
With a puzzled look
Is she checking me out?
Has she misunderstood?

Then it’s the drinks in her hand
Our inability to stand
Hands clasped hand and hand
Myface beside the bed stand

That look in her eye
So close to me now
Lips and tongue, all mine
She’s pinning me down

Jeans sliding off clumsily
Heart pounding
Her fingers inside of me
Uncontainable screams
Excitedly

She’s lying beside me
My mind wanders
Analyzing what could be

Now we’re up
Asking if I want coffee
Two creams
One sugar
Feels like love to me

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Cold 

The feeling of your arms wrapped around me rots my mind to the core. Your rapid heart rate and the smell of your skin doesn’t seem to rub off. If only you knew how my heart longed to jump out and chase after you. To hit the open air and plead with you to see through my eyes.  

Escalators and crowds pacing through the airport never crossed my mind. The food smells and accents flying everywhere, weren’t acknowledged. The piggish guys staring as we kissed and tugged at each other in the airport. My stomach dropping at the sight of your hand pulling away. As if I had sailed into the sky and guided my body away from you. You weren’t the type to cry in front of others. Not the kind to say goodbye and not the person I once knew. 

I wish I could tell you all the things that mattered that day. Throw your arms over me and put our kiddo’s school shoes on one last time. Feel the warmth of your mums cuddle goodbye and look back to see your face one last time.

Now your crystal eyes are a distant memory and the ashes bury our smiling faces. Somewhere along our journey we went from a blessing to a bad habit. Our jokes and happy times sit with me like overcrowded people in a waiting room. Suffocating my reality and blocking the new memories from coming in. You never realized that your happines was mine and that mine seemed irrelevant to you. Now my demeanor is cold and the feelings of others dismissed in my heart. 

As the plane lifted off and your disappointed look left my mind, I started breathing again. Looking at myself with all new eyes and a new perspective. The weight of you and I, and all our issues diminished. My mind still aching with the promises I  once made you. The ‘I could and would never leave you, played through my mind, mocking me. And now your sweet voice, once so comforting to me vanishes as I puff  you away, one joint at a time. 

Run 

September 23,2016. Still in England.

I’m laying in my ex fiancée’s bed and the duvet feels incredible at the moment. I am unsure of what it was three days ago that made me snap, but I did. I didn’t yell and I didn’t scream, but I snapped. 

That morning she woke up coldly and crawled out of bed without a single glance my direction. I am not an overly clingy person nor do I like being touched by strangers. I’m happy alone at any moment of the day and for any period of time. And in any normal healthy relationship there should be time spent apart. None of those things were the problem. 

The problem was a deep emotional coldness that lingered in her chest. As she shuffled out quickly and ignored me, I couldn’t help but go frozen too. The feeling of wanting to run out overwhelmed me and I couldn’t contain the boiling over of everything. On the way to the shop I felt indifferent, as I always did since being here. The kid could sense the tension too and had a huge meltdown in the middle of the store. She walked off carelessly looking for her items and there I was with a melting 3 year old. When he calmed and I reached the check out line to hand him over, my nerves were shot and I wanted to explode. 

Parenthood was never in the plan for me, even though I love kids. I’m well aware of the financial and emotional impact they have on someone’s life. So in that moment I had gotten him to calm down and reassured myself too that he didn’t need the toy. Then before I could get it together, she walked over and grabbed the toy for him. 

That was the last straw for me, in that moment I realized it just wasn’t worth it. Did my best to calm down in the car and keep my mouth shut for the day. The sun was shining and everything was perfect, except us. 

Then the bickering began, and I wanted to jump out of the car. The rest of the day was a downward spiral of unfortunate events. Bits and pieces of us flying everywhere and soon everyone was over. Celebrating and talking, going on and on, and being ‘happy’. The weather was perfect that day but my heart was dead cold. Iced over by everything she was doing to me, little by little. 

The next two days happened in flashes and before I knew it my suitcase was packed. I felt good packing and it wasn’t much of an issue at all. Except her. She couldn’t leave me alone long enough to get my things. The panic in her eyes flashed as she drove me around in circles trying to keep me close. She thought she could recognize the person she once knew, but I was no longer her. 

Dear anyone

Dear anyone, 

It’s The 8th of April, and I’ve been in England now for three weeks and some days. The sun never shines, except on certain occasions and I long for them. I can’t be bothered to get off the carpet floor  because the radiator feels so nice on my feet. Since being here I have felt every feeling imaginable, but coldness is the most consistent. 

The bacon in this country is bigger and yummier. Laying here debating about what to have for breakfast is a task in its own. Since coming here I’ve made a complete fool of myself in every way. And now I hate myself for the way I treated the people from Mexico, back home in Texas. Feeling different than everyone around you is a task in its own. Then there’s adapting to the time change, food, weather and accents. But for me all of that has gotten easier every single day. The thing I struggle with most is the kitchen. 

The more time I spend in the kitchen the more I destroy things. Who knew light switches and ovens could be so hard to figure out? So far I’ve managed to defrost all the food in the freezer. Leave the “cooking” switch on the oven and the grill. BOOM!!!! Life is so different just across the ocean, and to think, I thought this would be easy.