The feeling of your arms wrapped around me rots my mind to the core. Your rapid heart rate and the smell of your skin doesn’t seem to rub off. If only you knew how my heart longed to jump out and chase after you. To hit the open air and plead with you to see through my eyes.
Escalators and crowds pacing through the airport never crossed my mind. The food smells and accents flying everywhere, weren’t acknowledged. The piggish guys staring as we kissed and tugged at each other in the airport. My stomach dropping at the sight of your hand pulling away. As if I had sailed into the sky and guided my body away from you. You weren’t the type to cry in front of others. Not the kind to say goodbye and not the person I once knew.
I wish I could tell you all the things that mattered that day. Throw your arms over me and put our kiddo’s school shoes on one last time. Feel the warmth of your mums cuddle goodbye and look back to see your face one last time.
Now your crystal eyes are a distant memory and the ashes bury our smiling faces. Somewhere along our journey we went from a blessing to a bad habit. Our jokes and happy times sit with me like overcrowded people in a waiting room. Suffocating my reality and blocking the new memories from coming in. You never realized that your happines was mine and that mine seemed irrelevant to you. Now my demeanor is cold and the feelings of others dismissed in my heart.
As the plane lifted off and your disappointed look left my mind, I started breathing again. Looking at myself with all new eyes and a new perspective. The weight of you and I, and all our issues diminished. My mind still aching with the promises I once made you. The ‘I could and would never leave you, played through my mind, mocking me. And now your sweet voice, once so comforting to me vanishes as I puff you away, one joint at a time.