September 23,2016. Still in England.
I’m laying in my ex fiancée’s bed and the duvet feels incredible at the moment. I am unsure of what it was three days ago that made me snap, but I did. I didn’t yell and I didn’t scream, but I snapped.
That morning she woke up coldly and crawled out of bed without a single glance my direction. I am not an overly clingy person nor do I like being touched by strangers. I’m happy alone at any moment of the day and for any period of time. And in any normal healthy relationship there should be time spent apart. None of those things were the problem.
The problem was a deep emotional coldness that lingered in her chest. As she shuffled out quickly and ignored me, I couldn’t help but go frozen too. The feeling of wanting to run out overwhelmed me and I couldn’t contain the boiling over of everything. On the way to the shop I felt indifferent, as I always did since being here. The kid could sense the tension too and had a huge meltdown in the middle of the store. She walked off carelessly looking for her items and there I was with a melting 3 year old. When he calmed and I reached the check out line to hand him over, my nerves were shot and I wanted to explode.
Parenthood was never in the plan for me, even though I love kids. I’m well aware of the financial and emotional impact they have on someone’s life. So in that moment I had gotten him to calm down and reassured myself too that he didn’t need the toy. Then before I could get it together, she walked over and grabbed the toy for him.
That was the last straw for me, in that moment I realized it just wasn’t worth it. Did my best to calm down in the car and keep my mouth shut for the day. The sun was shining and everything was perfect, except us.
Then the bickering began, and I wanted to jump out of the car. The rest of the day was a downward spiral of unfortunate events. Bits and pieces of us flying everywhere and soon everyone was over. Celebrating and talking, going on and on, and being ‘happy’. The weather was perfect that day but my heart was dead cold. Iced over by everything she was doing to me, little by little.
The next two days happened in flashes and before I knew it my suitcase was packed. I felt good packing and it wasn’t much of an issue at all. Except her. She couldn’t leave me alone long enough to get my things. The panic in her eyes flashed as she drove me around in circles trying to keep me close. She thought she could recognize the person she once knew, but I was no longer her.